I had my meeting today with the principal and deputy principal, my former bosses. It was harder than I thought. When I walked into the admin and looked at all the familiar things, I started feeling really sad. I had a long wait for my appointment and plenty of time to reflect on how it felt when I worked there and came in and out of the admin with a smile, greeting the office workers. Not so today. I wanted to remain anonymous and felt those walking through who knew me were thinking, “what is she doing here.” No one spoke to me, just looked the other way.
I am not sure what I hoped for in this meeting. I went there to apologize, seek forgiveness and what else? I had mixed feelings about the whole thing hence I had put if off for as long as possible. I needed to do this in order to move on but a part of me didn’t want to move on, but move back. I silently hoped that they would accept my words, forgive me, and hear my sincere sorrow and say I was welcome to come back if there were ever any openings. Even if I didn’t go back I admit I hoped they would feel I was worthy of a second chance. That sounds pathetic I know.
The full weight of the bridge I’d burned crashed down on me when I heard their words, wishing me a good future, hoping I’d find what I was seeking. I felt like asking why they couldn’t see my heart breaking, hear my spirit crying, “this is what I’m seeking, a second chance right here.” I had told them that I knew God placed me there and that I regretted leaving, missed the girls and my job, etc. They just sat there and looked at me with somber faces and minimal expression. I guess it is what I deserve but oh, how it hurt.
It was over, the bridge was burned, no way to recover it. I drove home feeling crushed. My husband was waiting for my story. I started telling him and the tears came. Admittedly, my thoughts came out in questions, “How long will I have to pay for my bad attitudes?”
Ten hours later …
I went off to work. My boss was having lunch and we started talking. I told her I’d gone to my former bosses, apologized, and felt sad they didn’t want me back, even if I didn’t want to go. I shared with her about the study I am doing and what God has been showing me. She shared some things that she is sad about and it was a good time of mutual support. She said, “Just be patient and wait.”
By the end of my shift, I was happy. The day had been very good. I’d had some positive interacting with the kids I am a carer for. I can feel their trust building and I am learning how to relate to them. There are five kids, two to nine years old. I’ve never worked with young ones. Getting rid of my attitudes lets me see my co-workers in a better light, a non-critical one. I enjoyed being with them.
I didn’t see a bridge burned anymore … more like a door closed. I felt peace. Another step closer to spiritual victory!
Excerpts from William Taylor that fit so well ~
Fretting over that from which we have been removed or which has been taken away from us, will not make things better, but it will prevent us from improving those, which remain… The impatient horse which will not quietly endure his halter only strangles himself in his stall… It is thus through our trials and afflictions that God gives us fresh revelations of Himself; and the Jabbok ford leads to Peniel, where, as the result of our wrestling, we “see God face to face,” and our lives are preserved.