Well, I blew it today. Back to the wilderness for more training. Such victory yesterday only to be snuffed out by anger and attitude today. I feel smacked down by my own attitude but I am writing it down anyway because it is all part of the lessons that will one day bring me to the other side.
Today is payday. I work for the government and we are paid every fortnight or at least that is the way it is supposed to be. I have worked in this job for less than six months and already have not been paid twice and been shorted three times. Well now, add one more not paid to the list. I checked my online bank account to see what my balance was and it was the same as yesterday, which means I was not paid again.
I was upset but not as much as in the past. I called the payroll office in the capital city to find out what was happening. They of course did not know. The pay sheet had come in on time from my office. They would send an email on to the manager and get back to me. Of course, they didn’t so in two hours I called back. I was still calm, confident that it had been fixed and the money would be in the bank tomorrow.
I got a different worker and she was able to tell me more. It seems my 6-month contract had run out May 5th and since I hadn’t signed the contract extension, they didn’t pay me. My fortnight I was owed for conveniently was from May 5th through the 18th. It doesn’t matter that I haven’t even been there for 6 months so how did my contract run out in 5 months. It also didn’t matter that the first I’d heard about this contract was Tuesday of this week and I signed it on Wednesday. Well they said it wasn’t the fault of payroll but my office and I would not be paid until it was worked out. As slow as the wheels of government turn that could be a couple of weeks.
The hold on my calm, good attitude has started slipping at this point and I am in ANGER mode! I called my office and everyone was at lunch. I finally got our new team leader and held my cool while I discussed it with her. Bless her Scottish soul, she immediately set about to try to get it fixed. She said it was mainly political games as the state main office had been holding them.
I had called a couple of workers who started when I did, to warn them, only to find they had been paid. One had signed her contract last week and the other had not signed hers yet. Then the last straw broke and it appeared that the teenage girl who had gotten the admin position I’d been passed over for a few weeks ago, was the main cause of my pay being held back. She had the contracts on her desk at the beginning of last week. She hadn’t been specifically told that getting them signed was critically important and she couldn’t figure that out for herself so she just held them until our special staff meeting this week. The staff member who signed last week just happened to run into this person and jar her memory so she got hers done.
By this time, I have totally lost the whole plot concerning attitudes. I have jumped off the boat to the promised land of victory, hired a camel and ridden far into the wilderness clothed in my anger spewing out bitter words against everyone in government.
The only good thing I can say on my behalf is that I did control my attitude much sooner than I would have in the past. I was never rude to our team leader who was trying her best to help and I thanked her graciously for her help, which I really meant. I may or may not be paid on Monday, depending on the three government offices that all this paperwork must go through to prove me worthy of money I’ve already earned.
At this point, I feel good about the results of this latest trial. I didn’t pass the test, I blew it but I knew I was no longer justified to act that way and I turned it back to the Lord and I have peace now.
I thank God for the study He has directed me to. At the beginning, I read the entire book of Job and for the first time, I really understood it and could see myself in it. A long time ago, a ministry leader I was working with got so frustrated with me she told me that not even Job could help me. I was so hurt by that statement because I couldn’t see the connection and thought she was just being mean to me. Now I finally do understand. If you read it with your mind open to the truth and your heart seeking God’s help, it does make sense and point you in the right direction.
Well, tomorrow I have a very important meeting, not an interview but in relation to my past, present and possible future. I’m going to meet with my last boss and ask him to forgive me for my attitude and the manner in which I quit the job. It will be hard but God has shown me twice, two weeks apart that it is a step I must take. Be not afraid, I go before you always… the Lord will be with me so I’ll get through it and it is the right thing to do.
This like a PS that I am adding several hours since I posted this. I have to say that the teenage girl who works in the office that I mentioned just needs training and support. It isn’t her fault she got the job I wanted and I have no right to be angry toward her for the mess. Even our team leader took the blame for not checking on the contracts and making sure she knew what to do. I have learned that I can’t blame everyone else for problems that arise. I want to trust God with my life and learn to wait on Him as He knows far better than I what is best for me. That is the hardest part of this because I do like to be in control and see things happen quickly and my way.