Yesterday I wrote about attitudes and promised you more on what I’ve been learning in today’s blog.
Well, early this morning I was tested big time on just what I’ve been learning. I got a phone call from a place where I’d applied for a job. I had my interview on Monday and I thought it went well. I had a board of four people asking me questions and it was actually fun. We laughed a lot and they were all very intrigued with my experience and the interesting jobs I’d done in the past. I left the interview feeling very positive, knowing it was down to just three people contending for the job. It is a lovely place, upscale with solid, quality people working there. Jobs never come up which shows it is a good work place.
I felt very confident and talked to God about it a lot, how I’d really like to work there and how bad I want out of the job I have. I admit I begged a little, you know, please God, please let me have that job. Like your kids when they really want something and they hold your hand and look into your face with those puppy dog eyes saying “please let me have this doll or this bicycle.”
Then, this morning I get a call from the HR woman and the minute she said my name I knew I didn’t get the job. I could hear it in her voice with one word. She spent what felt like an hour explaining what a difficult decision it was and how close the winner and I were in skills and abilities and how it took them longer on the decision because we were so close. She finished with this cheery, “well, you were an extremely close second.”
I reciprocated with the best professional response I could muster and thanked her for giving me a fair go. I hung up the phone with tears in my eyes and the words, second best, screaming in my mind. I admit, I said aloud, “Second best, why am I always just second best? Why can’t I be best, why can’t I be picked? I’m just second best where I work, always passed over for something better.”
I had two meetings this morning so I went into the bathroom to finish getting ready, with tears running down my face. All the studying I’ve been doing and the things God has shown me came into my mind and I thought, “No, I’m not reverting back to the attitudes and the poor me stuff. No anger, no feeling sorry for myself. I’m going to believe that God is in control and there is something better out there, no matter what it looks like right now.”
A few weeks ago, I would have cried for an hour and spit out angry words to anyone who would listen about how unfair my life was. Yeah, that was me, sorry to have to admit but there it is, the good, bad and ugly. I was still feeling the anger and bitter thoughts, standing behind the red door in my mind, waiting for me to let them in. “My choice, my choice and NO, this time you don’t get in.” I felt a peace gather slowly as the tears still wet my cheeks.
I went to my car and kept saying in my heart, “God I trust You with my life, You will find me the right job. I trust You.” It was not easy and I wasn’t one hundred percent successful but by the time I got to my first meeting, I was calm, no tears and no anger or bitter feelings. Funny thing, the meeting was with the counselor I go to. How appropriate!
Yes, I admit, I go to a counselor about once a month. She helps me with career planning and we laugh a lot and she encourages me to believe I have valuable skills. I think she likes my stories. I tell my husband she is like someone you pay to be your friend and since I don’t have many friends here, it is a fair trade.
We talked about a new plan for finding the right job. She listened with interest to what God is showing me in my studies. I left her office feeling hopeful and encouraged. The next meeting was cancelled and I went home feeling much happier than when I left with a new plan in my mind.
So at the end of the day, I lost a job but I won a victory over my attitudes! I call that a great day. Maybe God needs me to stay in the wilderness a little while longer to get the rest of the lessons.
I have more to share on my attitude adjustment God is doing on me, so maybe tomorrow. I’ve decided not to do a lot of planning on what I’ll write tomorrow… I’ll just let God surprise me with what He wants to say through me.
Be not afraid, I go before you always, come follow me and I will give you rest