If you have never been accused of having a bad attitude you are lucky. I can’t say the same for myself. I have actually felt proud to have an attitude that could be called bad sometimes. I felt it was justified. I’ve told myself for years, “It’s just the way I am, part of my personality.”
It’s funny how you can live with something about yourself for years, not even thinking about it and suddenly see it as totally unacceptable.
I feel I should explain a little so you don’t think I’m a maniac or something. I’m really a nice person, fairly ordinary, straightforward, and easygoing. However, I am a perfectionist and opinionated especially over things I’m passionate about. I think over the years I’ve let those personality traits grow into something not so good.
None of this revelation came from an angel at the foot of my bed or a blinding flash of light. It came from the gentle nudging of the Holy Spirit, directing me down a track toward help in a way I would understand and take the time to hear.
It is the awesome way our Father God deals with each of us. He expects certain things from his children and He wants the best for us. He has ways of getting our attention if we are rebelling and doing our own thing for too long. I have been one of those kids with a big attitude and thinking I could do it my way for a very long time.
It didn’t come about in a few days, this revelation about me, and it won’t be finished real soon either. Don’t forget this is just about me, what God is showing me, but if you find anything tweaking in your spirit as you read, feel free to jump in the boat with me.
It has taken me many years to develop these bad attitudes and for the most part, I never considered them attitudes but just the way I was. Habits that are formed over years and years are like sediment from water that runs through a pipe.
A friend and I were riding our horses up Big Morongo Canyon one day. The particular road climbs above the town of Morongo Valley. We decided to cut across the mountains to go back to town. Along the way, we discovered an old clay pipeline. For years, the water for town had come from a large spring up in the mountain. Later a well was drilled in town and the old pipeline was no longer used. The pipe was broken and you could see where the water had deposited sediment over the years. It was amazing how much of the pipe was filled with layers of mineral deposits. The people in town probably never realized that the sediment was there because it came on very slowly and never blocked the water supply.
With me, my attitudes have come slowly as habits that I truly felt were OK and justified by the things I’ve gone through, the hard times, the abandonment, the tough breaks and so forth. Some of them I guess I feel I earned by making it through life where other people couldn’t have.
I have a friend who thinks I am a wonder woman but I know it is Christ in me, my God, who makes me look good. We all need friends like that and I hope you all have some. We really need to support each other, as this is a tough world we live in. I hope by writing about my life I can put out there what my friend says he likes to see; people showing how crazy and pathetic and scared they really are and what incredible messes they create – because I’m crazy pathetic and scared living in the mess I’ve made and I need all the help I can get!
So tomorrow, I’ll try to go into the things I’ve found out about my attitudes a little further. I’m really excited about what God is showing me, even though it is pretty ugly. I’m going to get rid of the ugly things with His help and I really feel lighter already, happier, freer and the journey has only begun!